ghosting

A ghost is what remains of someone who has gone, and the verb describes the leaving from the side of the person left. Merriam-Webster traced the dating sense to 2006 (opens in a new window), when instant-messaging users set their status to invisible and let messages collect, and entered it in February 2017 (opens in a new window). Collins had shortlisted it for word of the year in 2015 (opens in a new window), behind binge-watch. The complaint it names is legitimate. An ending with no sentence in it leaves the other party to write one.

The apps that supplied the conversations now ration how many can go unanswered. In September 2024 Hinge made it a global rule (opens in a new window) that a user with 8 or more people waiting on a reply must answer or end a conversation before being shown anyone new, and reported that responsiveness in testing rose 20%. The fix is a quota, and it is enforced by withholding more of the thing that produced the problem.

Under load, the person left can’t tell a decision from a delay, so they keep the thread open, and the person leaving never has to make the decision out loud. A 2019 study led by Gili Freedman (opens in a new window) found that people who believe relationships are either meant to be or not were 63% more likely to call ghosting an acceptable way to end a long-term relationship. It follows. If a match was never meant to be, there is nothing to explain, and a sentence would only add a reason to something fate had already settled.

I have practised the short form. From April 30 to May 5 I sent A. nothing, on purpose, to see whether she would write first. She did not, and on May 5 I described the 5 days as space I had been giving her. When I ended the silence that day, she had been running the same test. She had not wanted to be the only one initiating, and had been “giving you space to reach out.” For 5 days 2 people each waited to be written to, and the result was deliberate on both sides and indistinguishable from nothing happening.