Lexicon ·
benching
verb, usually in the phrase 'being benched'
- Stated meaning
- Keeping someone in occasional contact while deciding whether to see them again, so that nothing is closed before it has to be.
- Operating meaning
- A date kept on the calendar and out of play, so that the person holding it can decide later and the person waiting is told only that the day has moved.
- Origin
- Coined by Jason Chen in New York magazine in June 2016, from sports, for a prospect kept on the roster but not in play.
September 19 to October 2, E.'s second date. Agreed on September 17, moved by me on September 19 and by her on September 21, not reset until she wrote on September 28, and cancelled by me on October 2. In those days I opened F.'s account and held 2 dates with her. The phrase was not used.
The word came off the sideline in June 2016. Writing in New York, Jason Chen described a man he had been on the fence about (opens in a new window) after 2 dates. He could not decide whether he wanted to see him again and did not want to end the conversation either, so he messaged him occasionally, and “he would be on the roster but not in play.” Chen called it “despicable, manipulative, selfish behavior,” added that it is “something we’re all doing,” and called it “the modern incarnation of what we used to call leading someone on.”
The practice had been measured 2 years before it was named. Psychologists studying back burners (opens in a new window), people someone is interested in, is not involved with, and keeps in contact with in case, asked 376 young adults about theirs. Those who had any reported an average of 5.6, and the number a person kept was not related to their commitment to a current partner. By 2025 the word was in a New York TV station’s dating dictionary (opens in a new window), between shreking and cushioning, as “keeping someone on the sidelines while you decide if you want to commit.”
Under load, the bench needs a fixture on the calendar, and a reschedule supplies one without a decision. A date moved is still a date. The person moving it keeps the option, and the person waiting receives a new day in place of an answer. Chen described one of his sources agreeing to dates knowing he would find a way to cancel a day or two before. “It’s barely any cost to me,” he said.
On September 17 I asked E. for a second date, and she agreed. On September 19 I moved it. On the morning of September 21 she moved it, and that day I sent F. a message proposing a date. F. had 2 dates in the next 7. E.’s date was not reset until she wrote on September 28, and on October 2 I cancelled it, in a message about neither of us wasting time. It was on the calendar for 15 days. Each of us moved it once, and the file records no reason for either move. The file is mine, and it records my side of the bench: 1 account opened while the date stood, 2 dates held beside it, and an invitation for October 4 issued with October 3 already set.