leading

In partner dancing, the lead is a technical role (opens in a new window). The leader proposes each move through small signals in the hands and the frame, and the follower decides how to take it, so a lead who cannot be followed has failed at the job. Tango communities (opens in a new window) increasingly call the roles leader and follower and let either person dance either one.

Dating advice kept the word and sold it on two shelves. Men’s content (opens in a new window) sells leading as proof of masculinity: plan the date, choose the place, decide. The matching instruction is sold to women under feminine energy (opens in a new window): let him lead, and let him pay for the parking, carry things and choose the table. The shelves are sold separately, and they describe the same evening from opposite ends.

When 2 people who have bought both shelves meet, every decision on the evening is made by one of them, and so is every cost. The other party’s contribution is receptiveness, which has no line on a receipt. The dance has a check built in, because a lead nobody follows is visible at once on the floor. The date has none. A proposal that was accepted and a proposal that was tolerated look identical from the side that made it.

The 11 dates with A. were leads, each one planned and carried out by me. The clearest lead in this file was not a date. On August 3 I bought a year of a couples app for $39.99 so that we would have something to answer together, and she joined when I invited her. We used it daily for 7 days. By the dance floor’s test the move was followed, for 7 days, and the floor is booked until August 3, 2027.