Lexicon ·
the rules
noun, plural, a book title used as the name of its method
- Stated meaning
- Let the man do the pursuing, and keep him interested by being harder to get than he expects.
- Operating meaning
- A 35-item schedule of things not done, run toward marriage on a deadline, in which interest is shown by what is declined: the first call, the late invitation, the end of the evening.
- Origin
- A 1995 book by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, published on Valentine's Day, which set out 35 numbered rules for reaching marriage.
- Synonyms
- let him chase
- Antonyms
- Sadie Hawkins
May 27, by text. She sent me a screenshot of my own message from May 8, in which I had asked for both of the 2 dates she offered, and held me to the second. It was the first thing in 37 days that she started. The book was not mentioned.
The Rules (opens in a new window) was published on February 14, 1995, and its publisher’s description states the deliverable: “Marriage, in the shortest time possible, to a man you love, who loves you even more than you love him.” The method, issued by Warner Books (opens in a new window) under the subtitle “Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right,” ran to 35 numbered rules (opens in a new window), most of them refusals. Rule 2 is “Don’t Talk to a Man First.” Rule 5 is “Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls.” Rule 7 declines a Saturday night date asked for after Wednesday, and Rule 11 is “Always End the Date First.”
The book became a series, followed by The Rules II, The Rules for Marriage, The Rules for Online Dating and All the Rules. Two of the 35 protect the method from review: Rule 31 is “Don’t Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist,” and Rule 32 is “Don’t Break The Rules.” The ideas now circulate without the binding, as letting him chase.
Under load, the method is a schedule of declines. Interest is expressed by what is refused, on a timetable: the call not returned, the Saturday unavailable after Wednesday, the evening ended before the other party can end it. Each refusal is a test the other party passes by asking again, and the schedule has no entry for a party who does not. Men’s content sells the same schedule as not chasing. When both parties hold it, the first date ends twice, early, and the call that would arrange the second is the one both have been told not to make.
The file has a column for the book’s results. Across A.’s 120 days, 11 dates were held and all 11 were proposed by me. There were 3 silences longer than 24 hours, and I ended all 3. Whether any of it was a method is not on file, because nothing she said cited one, and the first thing she started, after 37 days, was an instruction to keep my own word. The schedule needs a counterparty who calls first every time. The file has one on record, and he keeps the file.