mystery

The Rules (opens in a new window), published in February 1995, set out 35 instructions for reaching marriage, and one of them made the advice formal. Rule 20 (opens in a new window) is “Be Honest But Mysterious.” The book was specific about the props. It asked to be put away in a top drawer, with any self-help books out of sight and interesting novels in full view. “Men love mystery!” it said.

The advice outlived the book. A coach writing in 2020 (opens in a new window) taught mystery by text, so that a man would be kept “eagerly waiting for the opportunity” to talk again. In 2017 a writer giving it up (opens in a new window) counted “countless blogs and advice columns” still advising an air of mystery on dates. The evidence most often attached to it is a 2011 study (opens in a new window) in which 47 undergraduates were most attracted to the people whose feelings toward them were unknown. The participants were women, rating men. The advice is given in the other direction.

Under load, mystery is disclosure on a schedule. Each fact held back is held for a later date, which makes every date partly a delivery of what was withheld at the one before. The schedule runs out. A person kept curious by what has not been said stays curious until it has been said, and the advice has no instruction for the evening the drawer is opened.