I leave space for disappointments

This report covers a ninth date with the subject referred to here as M., held on Wednesday, July 22, at 7:00 pm, at The Raven, a speakeasy in her area, 45 minutes from my house. The date ran 120 minutes. The cost was $134.74, paid in full by me.

It is the first date since I returned from 16 days away, it was agreed the day before, and the conversation on it was easier than on any evening this file has recorded. It also contains the clearest statement of position either party has made in 93 days, and that statement was not made on the date. It was made by text, beforehand.

Summary of charges

• Duration: 120 minutes
• Travel, round trip: 90 minutes
• Questions asked by me: 10, approximate
• Questions asked by M.: 10, approximate
• Phone checks by M.: 1, her child calling
• Phone checks by me: 0
• Out-of-pocket costs: $134.74
• Amount contributed by M.: $0.00
• Policies redeemed on this date: 1
• Invitations extended by M.: 1, the first in the arc
• Follow-up: pending at filing

Cost per hour in person: $67.37. Cumulative: $2,238.64 across 9 dates and 93 days.

Long-term plans

Before the date, by text, M. asked whether I had been making long-term plans.

I said I had thought about it. She asked what they were. My answer, in summary, was that I had no immediate plans, that I had considered making space for her in my daily life, that in the mid-term I had thought about what integrating our worlds would look like, including preparations for her and her children, and that after we had experienced each other in every season we could discuss next steps.

I would like the horizon on that answer noted. Every season is 4 seasons. It is a 1-year evaluation period, described on day 92, to a woman I have been on 8 dates with, by a man who had already drafted 16 insurance instruments against his own future conduct.

She replied that she had not made any long-term plans, because:

“we have not reached that point yet. I leave space for disappointments.”

The two positions

Set them next to each other, because they were stated within one exchange and they are the whole file.

I plan in seasons. I have a mid-term. I have preparations. I have a phase in which worlds are integrated and a phase after that in which next steps are discussed, and I have 14 handwritten policies in a glass box guaranteeing performance on events that have not been scheduled.

She leaves space for disappointments.

Neither position is hidden. Neither was extracted. Mine was given when asked and hers was given when asked, on the same day, in the same thread. This report does not adjudicate them. It records that on July 22 the 2 parties to this arrangement were operating on horizons that do not touch, and that both of them said so in writing before dinner.

Avoidant

On the date itself, M. told me that she has realized she is a bit avoidant in relationships, because of past experience.

That is the eleventh disclaimer on file and the first one that came with a cause attached.

The others did not. On May 30 she said her temper was something I would have to watch out for, and the follow-up produced advice rather than examples. On July 1 she said she can be toxic in relationships, and the follow-up produced nothing. On July 22 she named the pattern, named its origin, and did it unprompted at a table in a speakeasy.

The line about leaving space for disappointments is the twelfth, and it explains the eleventh. Taken together they are the most coherent pair of entries in this column, and they were issued 1 day apart by the only party in this arrangement who has consistently said what she meant.

The invitation

At some point on this date M. said:

“You’re my last option, I have already tried to get my friends to go with me. And I really want to go. Would you like to go with me to a concert on 8/15?”

I said yes, and then asked what the concert was.

It is in Washington state. We are in Arizona. Attending it means flights for 2 and a hotel for the night. I said I was interested and that I would need to look into the logistics first.

Three things go on the form.

The first is that this is the first invitation M. has extended in 93 days. She has made requests before, on July 15 and earlier on this same evening, but both were claims against cards I had written and handed her. An invitation is a different instrument: it asks for something that does not already exist on paper. Every date in this file was proposed by me. On May 27 she reminded me of one I had already asked for, and on June 25 she put a day on a show I had cancelled, and both of those were recoveries. This is not a recovery. She wanted to go somewhere and she asked me to come.

The second is the preamble. I am the last option, after her friends, and she said so in the same breath as the invitation, unprompted. It is the thirteenth disclaimer in this file and it is accurate by construction: she told me my position in the ordering while asking me to occupy it.

The third is that 1 week earlier, on July 15, I paid $846.10 against a card on which I had written myself as option c and been left out of it. On July 22 I was told I am the last option and asked in. The 2 events are 7 days apart and they are the same arithmetic viewed from opposite ends.

The two plans

Set the invitation next to the text exchange at the top of this report, because they belong to the same 24 hours.

On July 21 M. said she had made no long-term plans, because we have not reached that point yet, and that she leaves space for disappointments.

On July 22 she asked me to fly to another state with her on August 15, which is 24 days out.

Both are true and neither cancels the other. A concert is not a long-term plan; it is a Saturday with travel attached. But this file exists to put figures side by side, and the figures are these: the horizon on which she declines to plan is measured in phases of a relationship, and the horizon on which she does plan is 24 days and requires 2 plane tickets.

Two terms came with it and neither was stated as a term. The first is that I would be paying for the flights and the room, which is the arrangement on all 9 dates and did not need saying. The second is that we would be sharing a room overnight, which had not happened once in 93 days.

So the only invitation the other party has issued in this arc is also the first proposal of an overnight together, and it arrived inside a sentence that placed me after her friends. I am not characterizing that. I am recording that all 3 facts are in the same 30 seconds.

I have not yet looked into the logistics. When I do, the cost will appear on a later form.

The massage card

M. asked to redeem a card for a 30-minute massage. It was one of the few written for immediate redemption, with no clause attached to it.

That is 2 claims against 16 policies in 18 days. The first was $846.10 and an overnight I did not attend. The second is 30 minutes of my time, which is the only card in the box that pays out in the currency the other party named on May 31 as the one she deals in.

Policies outstanding: 14.

The date

I arrived early. She arrived about 10 minutes late. Both of those are now the standing pattern and neither is worth a sentence beyond this one.

Questions came out even a ninth time, 10 and 10. The conversation flowed more easily than on any previous evening in this file, which is not a figure and is recorded anyway.

Her child called and she checked her phone. I record it as acceptable and I record the count as 1.

That is the second phone check in 1,470 minutes across 9 dates. The first was a missed work shift on June 9. Both were hers, both were obligations that exist independent of me, and this column has never once recorded either party looking at a phone for no reason.

The parting

At her car I kissed her and hugged her. Both are mine.

The running figure in that column is 13 mine and 1 hers across 9 dates and 1 birthday, and hers is still the kiss she asked for on June 9.

Findings

Disclaimers: 3 on this date, 13 on file. One of them, the eleventh, is the first with a stated cause. The thirteenth is my ranking, supplied voluntarily.

Invitations extended: 1, hers, being the concert. It is the first entry in that column that is not mine, and it carries an unstated bill and an unstated overnight.

Planning horizons on record: 1 year, mine. None, hers, for the relationship. 24 days, hers, for a concert in another state. All 3 volunteered inside 24 hours.

Invitations extended: 1 by M., her first, on the same evening. Prior proposals by M.: 0 in 93 days.

Policies: 16 issued, 2 redeemed, 14 outstanding.

Contributed by M.: $0.00, across 9 dates, 93 days and $2,238.64.

Costs

• The Raven, drinks and food: $134.74
• Total: $134.74

Running position: 9 of 9 dates held, $2,238.64 out of pocket, 1,470 minutes in person, 905 minutes of road, 420 minutes of manufacture, $0.00 contributed by the other party.

Status

The follow-up field reads pending. The next day, by text, I invited her to my home on Saturday and she accepted.

That will be the first date in this arc held at either party’s home, on day 96, after $2,238.64 and 905 minutes of driving. It was agreed by text, which makes 9 dates and 9 agreements reached that way and none in person.

The account is open. It records 13 disclaimers, 3 rationalizations, 14 outstanding policies, 1 planning horizon of 4 seasons, 1 of none, 1 invitation, and 1 set of flights not yet priced.