An asymmetric investment

This report covers the interval between the sixth date, held June 9, and the seventh, agreed on June 25. No date took place inside it. The account was nonetheless active for the entire period, and more was settled in it than on any evening this file has recorded.

The sixth date cost $119.68 and ran 120 minutes. This interval cost nothing and ran 16 days.

Summary of charges

• Dates held: 0
• Out-of-pocket costs: $0.00
• Days from June 9 to the agreement of June 25: 16
• Days of silence, June 12 to June 17: 4
• Phone calls: 1
• Postponements issued by me: 1
• Disclaimers issued: 1
• Follow-up: yes

The switch

On April 25, at a restaurant in a strip mall, M. told me that someone had asked her for more frequent communication, and that if I asked for the same, she would oblige.

I did not ask. I recorded it and moved on, and the arrangement ran for 53 days without the switch being touched.

On June 17 I touched it.

June 17

We had talked consistently for 3 days after the sixth date and then not at all for 4. I wrote:

“Hey, I remember you telling me on our second date about someone asking for more frequent communication.. I think you’re setting a new world record over there. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, and to keep that momentum going. Let me know when you’re back in the land of the living so we can map out our next date.”

She replied:

“Hey! I’m about to be registered in the Guiness book of world records. I had days off yesterday and today, so I think we will have to check with next week.”

The reply confirmed 2 days off inside the silence. I then sent the longest message in this file:

“Next week could work, but to be completely transparent with you, I want to take a pause before we map out another date.

It takes a significant amount of time, energy, and driving for me to make our dates happen. I’m more than happy to invest that when we’re together because I’ve really enjoyed building toward a relationship with you. But when the communication goes completely dark for days, even on your days off, and the logistics of the next date are left entirely vague, it feels like an asymmetric investment.

I want this to work, but I need to know we’re aligned on building something consistent. If you have the capacity and want to talk through how we can bridge that gap, let me know when you’re free for a phone call. Otherwise, I completely understand if your plate is just too full for this right now.”

I want to be clear about what that document is. It is a memo. It contains a statement of contributed resources, an identified variance, a request for alignment, a proposed remedy with a channel attached, and an exit clause. It was sent to a person I had been on 6 dates with, and it uses the phrase asymmetric investment, which is the sort of phrase this site was built to notice.

It is also, as far as I can determine, entirely accurate. The time, the energy, and the driving are on the first 6 forms in this file. 585 minutes of road. $932.62. Every proposal. Every broken silence. The variance was real and I had 6 reports proving it before I ever sent the message.

Both things are true, and this entry exists because they are.

The call

We spoke on the phone. It happened because I asked for one in writing after describing the problem in paragraphs.

Afterward, by text:

“Sooo… I have to track your schedule if I wanna date you?! 🧐😅”

“You do not have to track my schedule lol.”

“That wasn’t really my takeaway from our conversation. It was that I must maintain and push forward the structure of us… and maybe, you’ll maintain the emotional warmth and peace of communication.

Tuesday or Wednesday, I’d like to pick you up and take you to see a 7PM Drunk Shakespeare show. Which evening works for you?”

“That was the conclusion.

So, next week my schedule does not look promising at all. I have Monday-Friday scheduled. That drunk shake spear can be pushed to next week?”

That was the conclusion

Those 4 words are the disclaimer, and they are the clearest one in the file.

I had written out a division of labor. I maintain and push forward the structure. She maintains the emotional warmth and the peace of the communication. I put it in a sentence with a maybe in it, as a summary of a call I had asked for, and she confirmed it without amendment.

Every column in this ledger is now accounted for by a signed term. The proposals, the venues, the reservations, the drives, the bills, the broken silences: structure, and mine. What she supplies is a different category and it is not measured on this form, because this form measures dollars and minutes and it was designed by the party holding the structure.

I note that I supplied 2 emoji in the message immediately before it, 3 weeks after being told I was not playful.

June 24

Conversation ran nearly daily. On Wednesday, June 24, with no day fixed for the following week, I wrote:

“Hey sleeping beauty.
Since next week is coming up fast and we don’t have a day set, let’s postpone the Shakespeare show for now. I prefer to keep my calendar clear of open plans.
Have a smooth evening 🤗”

She replied:

“Hey . I believe I said Shakespeare would be next week as I’m working a lot this week.
Also, it’s only Wednesday how is next week coming up fast? Is this meant to mean you do not do random or last minute plans?”

I replied that I love spontaneous plans when I am free, that I would go anywhere last minute with her, and that what I struggle with is a tentative plan floating week to week without a set day, because it uses mental energy I would rather keep clear. If a week is too busy to pinpoint a day in advance, I wrote, it is easier to take it off the table completely. No planning obstacles. Nothing to think about.

What I postponed had no day attached to it. That is the whole of it. There was no date on the calendar to move, and her reply says so: she had put the show in the following week, and it was only Wednesday. I removed a plan from the table on the grounds that it did not yet have a day, and the thing I was removing was the possibility of a day.

June 25

“But I still want to attend the Shakespeare show 🥹 Is Sunday evening open on your calendar?”

Sunday was open. The date was set for June 28, which is 3 days after she proposed it and 4 days after I took the show off the table.

The show had been floating in the following week. She did not schedule it in the following week. She scheduled it sooner than either of us had proposed, on the first weekend available, the day after I removed it for not having a day.

It is the second thing in this arc initiated by the other party. The first was the May 27 screenshot, which recovered a date that had lapsed on its own. This one recovered a date I had cancelled.

Findings

Dates held: 0. Cost: $0.00. It is the only interval in this file with nothing in either column, and it is where the terms were agreed.

Disclaimers: 8 on file. The eighth is 4 words long and confirms the first 7.

Positions stated: 2 mine, 1 hers. Mine are the memo of June 17 and the explanation of June 24 about plans that float without a day on them. Hers is 4 words agreeing to the division of labor the memo proposed.

Plans recovered: 1, hers, being the show I had removed the day before. The running figure in that column is 2 and both are hers.

Limits set: 1, mine, being the postponement. It is the first entry in my half of that column and the thing it removed was a date.

The April 25 disclaimer was acted on 53 days after it was issued. The switch worked. Communication resumed, a call happened, a date was set. Nothing about the mechanism was hidden, and the delay in using it is recorded here against the only party who could have used it.

Status

The follow-up field reads yes. A seventh date is set for Sunday, June 28.

The account is open. Its terms are now in writing, agreed by both parties, and they assign the structure to me.