limerence

Dictionary.com (opens in a new window) defines the state as being “obsessively infatuated with someone,” and gives the origin without ornament: “Arbitrary coinage by Dorothy Tennov, U.S. psychologist (1928-2007) in her book Love and Limerence.” The book (opens in a new window) appeared in 1979. Tennov held, as a 2021 case study (opens in a new window) quotes her, that “Limerence is a desire for more than sex,” and the study gives her figure for an episode: a few weeks to decades, “with the average episode lasting between 18 months and 3 years.” The same study treated one with cognitive behavioral therapy.

The APA’s dictionary (opens in a new window) describes a strong concern for the other person, “accompanied by great sensitivity to how that other person is reacting to oneself,” and says it “typically diminishes in intensity a month or two after the relationship is formed.” The two ranges do not overlap. The shorter one begins its count once there is a relationship, and the longer one needs none.

Under load, limerence is an audit with no client. Every message, delay and choice of word is examined for evidence of a return, continuously and without the knowledge of the person examined. The figure it is trying to establish is one the other party could state in a sentence, if asked. The audit lasts as long as nobody asks, and asking is the step that would close it.