settling

In the March 2008 issue of The Atlantic, Lori Gottlieb published “Marry Him!” (opens in a new window), subtitled “The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough.” The advice was given in one word, with its own exclamation mark: “Settle!” The argument under it was an accounting one. Marriage, the essay said, “isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business.” It added: “And I mean this in a good way.”

The 2010 book (opens in a new window) kept the title and opened the books. According to a review in The Christian Science Monitor (opens in a new window), it begins with the 61 characteristics Gottlieb had looked for in a mate, among them “Warm but not clingy” and “Not moody.” The book then consults matchmakers, psychiatrists, sociologists and economists, asks “How much compromise is too much compromise?”, and ends with Gottlieb letting go of the 61-requirement list and considering sending it to a sorority “as a cautionary tale.”

Under load, the word records a write-down. A list is valued at 61 items, the market clears at fewer, and the difference is booked as a loss against a Mr. Right who appears in no record. The word puts the loss in one party’s ledger and the shortfall in the other’s description, so a partner chosen this way arrives already marked down, in books he is not shown. The case for it described the resulting partnership as a nonprofit, which is the one kind of business nobody expects to show a return.